Can You Find Meaning in Death and Grief?

Finding meaning in death and grief doesn’t require you to find meaning in the way someone died. It invites you to look at the person who passed and reflect on who you are and who you want to become because of them.

Dear Spirited Earthling,

There are times in life when you are sitting in the sunshine, and there are times when you are lying in the shadows. I guess this post is for the moments of transition between the two, when a little more sunshine begins to peek through the shadows. Loss is a universal part of the human experience, yet people react to it with different levels of grief and mourning. While it's something everyone goes through, the way it's expressed differs from person to person. Asking if you can find meaning in death and grief is a deeply personal and philosophical question, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer.

In a podcast episode of Unlocking Us with Brené Brown, guest David Kessler speaks about his book Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. David has worked with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, the psychiatrist who outlined the five stages of grief in her book On Death and Dying. This post explores his message and shares how he found meaning in the death (and processing the grief) of his son.

The Five Stages of Grief – The Kübler-Ross Model

According to this model, there are five stages of grief:

• Denial – feelings of shock, confusion, avoidance

• Anger – feelings of anxiety, annoyance, frustration

• Bargaining – feelings of “what if” and “if only”

• Depression – feelings of powerlessness and overwhelm

• Acceptance – being present and living life again without the loved one.

Grief is not a linear or predictable process. People may move back and forth between these stages, skip certain stages, or experience them in a different order. These 5 stages are therefore not an order to follow, but rather general themes (emotions and feelings) that people may encounter during their grieving process. Grief also has no fixed timeline. For some, it’s a short chapter; for others, it’s a lifelong story. Coping mechanisms evolve over time, and it’s important to remember that grief is as individual as the person experiencing it.

Related read: Strategies To Regulate Emotions That Will Make Emotional Intelligence Stronger

The Grief Ball Analogy

A helpful way to understand grief is through the "grief ball in a box" analogy. Imagine a small box with a button inside it, called the "pain button." Inside the box is a large ball, which represents grief. When the grief is fresh, the box is small, and the ball frequently presses against the pain button, causing intense and frequent waves of emotion.

As time goes on, the box grows larger, creating more space around the ball. The ball still moves inside the box, and there are moments when it hits the pain button, but these moments become less frequent. The ball never disappears, and sometimes, seemingly out of nowhere, it will hit the button again, triggering a surge of grief. This analogy beautifully illustrates how grief doesn’t entirely go away, but your capacity to hold it grows with time.

So, on the days when grief hits you unexpectedly, know that it’s okay. Give yourself grace and space. If you’re supporting someone in their grief, hold space for them without judgment.

Related read: Support Your Healing Journey with these 30+ Selected Journal Prompts

The Sixth Stage of Grief: Finding Meaning

Over time, many people find ways to adapt to their loss and discover a sense of meaning and purpose in their lives. This doesn’t mean forgetting the person who has passed, but rather learning to live with the loss in a way that honours them. David Kessler’s sixth stage of grief focuses on finding meaning. In the podcast, he shares:

“My loved one was murdered, there’s no meaning there.” Or, “My loved one died of cancer or Alzheimer’s, there’s no meaning.”

And I’ll go, “The meaning is not in the death. The meaning is what we do after. The meaning is in us.” That’s where the meaning lies. That’s what we can create.” ~ David Kessler

Finding meaning in grief doesn’t explain why it happened or make the loss easier, but it shifts the focus to how we carry forward the love, lessons, and legacy of the person who passed. In other words, it invites you to look at the person who passed and reflect on who you are and who you want to become because of them.

Gratitude amidst Grief

In the episode, Brené shares her frustration with the idea of finding gratitude for traumatic events - “I’m grateful for this horrendous trauma because it taught me this.” (To be honest, this phrasing bugs me too! And I’m really glad she brought it up because David’s response was beautiful.) David’s perspective offers a reframing (excerpt from the podcast):

“Let me break down gratitude for you and how that works, and I’ll use myself as an example. Well first, let me just say, when people initially have this thought of finding gratitude. I will talk about early on [in the grieving process], there’s no gratitude to be found.” ~ David Kessler

While at a conference, someone asked him if he found gratitude around his son’s death (excerpt from the podcast):

“And I paused and I thought about it. And I could not have done it a moment before that.

But I said, “Yes, I can, and here’s how I can do it. There’s one worse tragedy in my mind than my son dying at 21 years old.

The worst tragedy would be, if I never got to meet him this lifetime. I am so grateful I got to meet him and be with him this lifetime.” ~ David Kessler

David says he will never be grateful that his son died, nor will he ever be grateful for the resulting trauma. Moreover, he will never take gratitude as a win because over anything he would always want his son back.

Finding meaning in grief with gratitude doesn’t diminish the pain. It’s not about being thankful for the loss or the trauma but about appreciating the relationship you had. For example, instead of saying, “I’m grateful for the loss because it taught me,” you might say, “I’m grateful for knowing them and the time we shared.”

Focusing on the Person’s Life, not the Death

Finding meaning in death can also come from honouring the memory of your loved one. This might involve creating a legacy through stories, traditions, or supporting causes they cared about. It could be as simple as living in a way that reflects the values and lessons they taught you. David realised he was grateful for his son and to be his father (excerpt from the podcast):

“It’s gratitude for the life, the person you got to know. It’s gratitude that that person got to be your father this lifetime. It’s gratitude your mother was your mother this lifetime, your husband, your wife, your partner, your kids. It didn’t have to happen that way. You didn’t have to have those kids this lifetime. You didn’t have to have this husband this lifetime. He could have met someone else; you could have met someone else.

That’s the gratitude. The gratitude is around the person, not the trauma for me.” ~ David Kessler

Honour their legacy by living in a way that honours them. Simply, it is knowing you are forever changed for having known them.

Judging Yours or Another’s Grief

As aforementioned, people grieve differently and for different periods of time. One person’s relationship with the deceased is different to another’s. This is a simple reminder to hold grief in a judgment-free space. Societal expectations often add unnecessary pressure:

• She’s crying so much, it must be a show // She’s not even crying, did she really care?

• He needs to move on, he can’t stay in bed forever // He’s moving on as if nothing happened, does this not affect him?

• My heart is broken, and I feel like I can’t breathe // I guess she didn’t love them as much as I did.

Grief is deeply personal. Instead of judging, offer empathy and support. Think twice before telling someone to move on because you think it is time. Understand this is their grief journey. Sometimes, just being there (with a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on) can make all the difference. The journey of grief isn’t about “moving on” but about finding a new way to carry the love and memories of those we’ve lost.

Remember, grief is not something to be fixed. It’s something to be felt, carried, and honoured in your own time and way (and sometimes all at once). Whether your grief feels like a ball bouncing around a small box or a quieter presence in a larger space, know that your process is valid and that meaning, when it comes, is yours to define.

Spirited Earthling is more than just a blog – it's a gathering place for kindred spirits drawn by an interest in self-discovery, the appeal of self-care, and a desire for a deeper connection to themselves and the world. It is written and created for curious minds and spiritual hearts seeking meaning in everyday life. This blog aims to help you curate your wholesome personal growth with free weekly ideas and affordable resources for sale.

As you navigate your personal growth journey using the words and ideas shared here, consider sharing this blog with someone looking for inspiration or motivation on their own journey. We are all spirited earthlings, and can lift each other together with mindful, connected living. I deeply appreciate every read, share, and purchase.

Thank you for being part of this community.

Best wishes, warmest regards

Jordan 

[Updated in 2025]

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Listen to the podcast episode here.

Affirmation: I give myself time to grieve. Every day I allow healing of my heart, spirit, and mind (free wallpaper download).

Journal prompts: What can I do to best honour my lost loved one? What are some of my favourite memories with my lost loved one?

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