Can You Find Meaning in Death and Grief?

Finding meaning in death and grief doesn’t require you to find meaning in the way they died. It makes you look at the person who died and who you are and want to become because of them.

Dear Spirited Earthling,

There are times in life when you are sitting in the sunshine, and there are times when you are lying in the shadows. I guess this post is for the moments of transition between the two, but with a little more sunshine than shadows. Asking if you can find meaning in death and grief is a deeply personal and philosophical question, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer. Different cultures, belief systems, and individuals will approach this question differently.

Podcast: Unlocking Us with Brené Brown and Guest David Kessler

In a podcast episode of Unlocking Us with Brené Brown, guest David Kessler speaks about his book Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. David has worked with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, the psychiatrist who outlined the five stages of grief in her book On Death and Dying.

The Five Stages of Grief – The Kübler-Ross Model

The five stages of grief are:

• Denial – feelings of shock, confusion, avoidance

• Anger – feelings of anxiety, annoyance, frustration

• Bargaining – feelings of “what if” and “if only”

• Depression – feelings of powerlessness and overwhelm

• Acceptance – being present and living life again without the loved one.

In reality, grief is a highly individual and complex experience, and people will likely not go through these stages in a linear or predictable manner. Grief is not a one-size-fits-all process, and someone may move back and forth between these stages, skip certain stages, or experience them in a different order. The stages are more like general themes or common emotional responses rather than a strict roadmap.

This is because grief is not limited to a specific timeline. Some people may experience grief for a relatively short period, while others may grapple with it for an extended period, sometimes even throughout their lives. People employ various coping mechanisms to deal with grief, and these may evolve over time. Some may find solace in therapy or support groups, while others may use creative outlets or physical activities to manage their emotions.

After a time, there are days when grief is manageable, and life is carrying on. And there are days when it hits hard and unexpectedly, regardless of the time passed. So, remember to give yourself grace. If you’re reading this to better understand another person’s journey with grief, give them the space and grace to grieve on these days.

The Sixth Stage of Grief: Finding Meaning

Over time, many people do find a way to adapt to their loss and find a sense of meaning and purpose in their lives. This doesn't mean they forget the person or thing they lost, but they learn to live with the loss and continue to grow.

There are many people who struggle to buy this sixth stage of grief concept of finding meaning in death and grief that David is selling. In the episode, David says what people would say to him (excerpt from the podcast).

“My loved one was murdered, there’s no meaning there.” Or, “My loved one died of cancer or Alzheimer’s, there’s no meaning.”

And I’ll go, “The meaning is not in the death. The meaning is what we do after. The meaning is in us.” That’s where the meaning lies. That’s what we can create.” ~ David Kessler

Finding meaning doesn’t tell you why it happened to them, why it has to be part of your story, or why it has to happen at all.

Death, pain, loss, and grief are part of the human experience. Finding meaning in death and grief doesn’t require you to find meaning in the way they died. It makes you look at the person who died

 Finding Meaning in Death with Gratitude

In the episode, Brené shares how much it bugs her when a loss is spun into an “I’m grateful for this horrendous trauma because it taught me this.” (To be honest, this phrasing bugs me too! And I’m really glad she brought it up because David’s response was beautiful.)

David responds (excerpt from the podcast):

“Let me break down gratitude for you and how that works, and I’ll use myself as an example. Well first, let me just say, when people initially have this thought of finding gratitude. I will talk about early on [in the grieving process], there’s no gratitude to be found.” ~ David Kessler

While at a conference, someone asked him if he found gratitude around his son’s death (excerpt from the podcast):

“And I paused and I thought about it. And I could not have done it a moment before that.

But I said, “Yes, I can, and here’s how I can do it. There’s one worse tragedy in my mind than my son dying at 21 years old.

The worst tragedy would be, if I never got to meet him this lifetime. I am so grateful I got to meet him and be with him this lifetime.” ~ David Kessler

David says he will never be grateful that his son died, nor will he ever be grateful for the resulting trauma. Moreover, he will never take gratitude as a win because over anything he would always want his son back.

Focusing on the Person’s Life, not the Death

What David realised at that moment was he was grateful for his son. He was grateful to be his father (excerpt from the podcast):

“It’s gratitude for the life, the person you got to know. It’s gratitude that that person got to be your father this lifetime. It’s gratitude your mother was your mother this lifetime, your husband, your wife, your partner, your kids. It didn’t have to happen that way. You didn’t have to have those kids this lifetime. You didn’t have to have this husband this lifetime. He could have met someone else; you could have met someone else.

That’s the gratitude. The gratitude is around the person, not the trauma for me.” ~ David Kessler

Instead of saying you're grateful for the loss and trauma, rather say something like, “I’m grateful for knowing my loved one, and the relationship we shared. Losing them has taught me a lot, but I’m grateful for the time I had with them when they were alive.” Undoubtedly, you will never feel that the time spent together was enough. There will always be more that could have been shared, more that could have been done, more that could have been.

Another way to find meaning in death is through the idea of leaving a legacy. People often take comfort in the thought that the memory of their loved ones will endure through stories, traditions, and the impact they had on others during their lifetime. Creating memorials, supporting causes that were important to the deceased, or continuing their work can be meaningful ways to honour their memory. Keep talking about them. Live in a way that honours them. Simply, it is knowing you are forever changed for having known them. People won’t understand it and you need to know they don’t have to. No one's relationship with your departed was the same.

Sharing the experience of grief with others who have also experienced loss can also provide meaning. Many people find solace and a sense of purpose by supporting and connecting with others who are grieving. It creates a sense of community and can help individuals navigate the complex emotions associated with loss.

Judging grief

Lastly, a reminder to hold grief in a judgement-free space because people really do grieve differently. The judgment of how someone is grieving often stems from misunderstandings, societal expectations, and the discomfort that people feel when confronted with others' grief.

• She’s crying so much, it must be a show // She’s not even crying, did she really care?

• He needs to move on, he can’t stay in bed forever // He’s moving on as if nothing happened, does this not affect him?

• My heart is broken and I feel like I can’t breathe // I guess she didn’t love them as much as I did.

Think twice before telling someone to move on because you think it is time. Understand this journey is personal and the way you grieve is likely going to be different to the way others do. Think about your words.

It's important to recognise that everyone's grief journey is unique, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Empathy and support are crucial during times of loss. Instead of judging or criticising someone's grief, it's more helpful to offer a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, or resources for professional help if needed. Being there for someone who is grieving, without judgment, can make a significant difference in their healing process and give them hope for a better day.

Spirited Earthling is more than just a blog – it's a gathering place for kindred spirits drawn by an interest in self-discovery, the appeal of self-care, and a desire for a deeper connection to the world. Written and created for curious minds and spiritual hearts seeking meaning in everyday life, this blog aims to help you curate your wholesome personal growth with free weekly ideas and affordable resources for sale.

As you navigate your personal growth journey using the words and ideas shared here, consider sharing this blog with someone looking for inspiration or motivation on their own journey. We are all spirited earthlings, and can lift each other together with mindful, connected living.

Thank you for being part of this community.

Best wishes, warmest regards

Jordan

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Listen to the podcast episode here.

Affirmation: I give myself time to grieve. Every day I allow healing of my heart, spirit, and mind (free wallpaper download).

Journal prompts: What can I do to best honour my lost loved one? What are some of my favourite memories with my lost loved one?

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