Knowing Each Other’s Love and Fight Languages is Essential to a Healthy Relationship
Knowing your and your partner’s love and fight languages is essential to a healthy relationship. The 5 love languages are acts of service, physical touch, quality time, receiving gifts, and words of affirmation. The 5 fight languages are compromise, direct communication, emotional validation, problem-solving, and time alone.
Dear Spirited Earthling,
Dr. Gary Chapman introduced the concept of the 5 love languages. These are the 5 overarching ways we give and receive love, and each of us has a hierarchy attached to these 5 Love Languages. It is up to you to find out which love languages you value most and least, and to communicate this to your partner. The same is true for them. There is a balance to everything in life, and as such, there are 5 Fight Languages that you explore too. This post will share the 5 love and 5 fight languages and links to take an online test at the end.
5 Love Languages
Each person has a primary love language that resonates with them most. Knowing your partner's love language helps you express your love for them and connect with them in the best way. Telling your partner your primary love language(s) allows them to express their love for you and connect you with you in the best ways possible. You and your partner do not need to have the same love languages to thrive.
Acts of Service
When you appreciate acts of service most, actions speak louder than words for you. You feel most loved (seen and heard) when your partner helps with chores and errands, makes you a cup of tea, or cooks for you. The acts people do for you show you their love and commitment. When your partner fails to follow through on promises and neglects to help you in different ways or do simple things for you, you tend to view this as a lack of care and commitment.
If your partner values acts of service, here are ideas to show them love in this way:
Make their favourite meal
Pick up dinner so they don’t have to
Do a chore for them without being asked (do the laundry, fold the laundry, vacuum, load the dishwasher, unload the dishwasher)
Make their morning coffee
Run an errand for them or check something off their to-do list (grocery shop, fill their car, go to the pharmacy)
Bring them tea when they’ve had a busy morning
Call and ask if there's anything they need anything before you head home
Offer help and support when they are nervous or stressed (listen to their presentation, help find photos for the project)
Look after them when they're sick
Ask what you can do to help them
Acts of service tend to be practical displays of love and care.
Physical Touch
When you appreciate physical touch, you need to connect physically to support emotional intimacy. You feel most loved (seen and heard) when you receive hugs, kisses, and other physical gestures (like receiving back scratches, and them playing with your hair). In turn, you feel less connected when you and your partner are not interacting physically and often interpret this as emotional withdrawal.
If your partner values physical touch, here are ideas to show them love in this way:
Give them a massage, rub their shoulders
Hold their hand or have your arm around them when in public
Hug them randomly
Greet them at home with a hug and kiss
Tickle their arm while telling them a story
Cuddle when watching TV
Have a secret handshake
Kiss to say good morning, good night, and thank you
Quality Time
When you appreciate quality time, you treasure spending time with your partner with no distractions. You feel loved (seen and heard) when engaged in a shared activity, having a meaningful conversation, or simply when both of you are present in the moment. You feel less important and valued when your partner doesn’t spend time alone with you and you tend to view this as a lack of interest in the relationship.
If your partner values quality time, here are ideas to show them love in this way:
Receiving Gifts
When you appreciate receiving gifts, you value the sentiment and effort behind the gift (meaning the gifts don’t have to be high value). You feel most loved (seen and heard) when you know your partner thought of you during the day and remembered a special occasion by giving you a token of this thoughtfulness – a gift. In turn, you will feel unimportant or overlooked when your partner forgets special occasions and puts no thought or effort into a gift.
If your partner values receiving gifts, here are ideas to show them love in this way:
Buy their favourite snack, chocolate, drink
Buy their favourite book or something for their hobby
Bring something for them from your travels
Make something for them
Bring home flowers for them
Give them a gift card to their favourite store or restaurant
Bring them lunch at work
Send them a care package
Gift them a vacation
Remember special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, gift-giving holidays like Valentine’s Day and Christmas)
Note that for a gift to be meaningful and sincere, you need to know your partner well (their interests, hobbies, favourite things).
Words of Affirmation
When you appreciate words of affirmation, you thrive on verbal expressions of love and encouragement. The thoughtful compliments, appreciation, and support make you feel loved (seen and heard). In turn, unconstructive criticism and harsh words are very hurtful to you.
If your partner values words of affirmation, here are ideas to show them love in this way:
Always say thank you
Write a note and put it in their diary, lunch box, bag
Show verbal appreciation for them in front of others
Give them a call to see how they're doing and tell them you love them
Celebrate them in front of others
Send them a text message randomly saying you're thinking of them
Give constructive criticism and mention something they do well at the same time
Compliment and appreciate their:
Favourite thing about their looks
Favourite thing about their personality
Work ethic
Actions for the household
The Fight Languages
Arguments and disagreements are natural in relationships and knowing how to fight makes resolving these conflicts easier. When each of you understand your own and your partner’s fight languages you can better navigate conflicts more effectively and avoid unnecessary misunderstandings. There are different fighting languages and argument styles presented by different people (meaning there is not a definitive list like the love languages) and this list is a mix of them:
Compromise: You want to negotiate and always find a middle ground to resolve conflicts. You struggle when your partner is inflexible.
Direct Communication: You prefer to have a direct, open, and honest discussion on the conflict and want to talk about it now. You struggle with passive-aggressive behaviour.
Emotional Validation: You want your feelings acknowledged during conflicts. You struggle when your feelings are dismissed or trivialised. It also means your emotions become louder until you feel heard.
Problem-Solving: You want to solve the problem right away. You struggle with lengthy discussions that don’t lead to solutions.
Time Alone: You need time alone to process your emotions and thoughts before engaging in a conflict-resolution discussion. You often feel overwhelmed in heated conversations and need space to reflect.
Although it can be difficult when heated, keep this in mind during disagreements:
Practice active listening – try to understand where your partner is coming from and not listen to respond.
Use ‘I’ instead of ‘you’ – it is easy to place blame during conflicts and get defensive when ‘you’ statements are made. Using ‘I’ statements can more neutrally convey your feelings. For example, say I feel like (or it feels like) you aren’t listening to my opinions and understanding my feelings instead of you never listen to me or acknowledge how I feel.
Focus on the current issue – work on the conflict at hand without bringing up unrelated issues so you can resolve this disagreement.
Take a break instead of making the conflict worse – rather step away and come back to the discussion when you are both more level-headed so that you can have a constructive conversation (this is not sweeping it under the rug and never resolving anything).
By knowing and respecting each other's love and fight languages, you can create a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship. It allows you to communicate your love and resolve conflicts in ways that are meaningful to both of you. It fosters understanding, empathy, and a deeper connection between partners.
Related read: 10 Lessons For These Great 10 Years Together
Different Types of Intimacy
Couples aren’t together so that cooking, washing dishes, doing laundry, and having children are more convenient. Couples are together because they want to love and be loved by their partner, to know and be known by their partner. A healthy and lasting relationship will include all types of intimacy.
There are different ways couples can be intimate with each other: intellectual intimacy (meaningful discussions and sharing thoughts), emotional intimacy (being vulnerable and discussing feelings), social intimacy (spending time together and sharing about times when apart), spiritual intimacy (opening souls to each other through shared rituals and practices), and physical intimacy (connecting with bodies). Knowing each other’s love and fight languages can support these different types of intimacy.
Understanding your partner's love and fight languages is not about changing who either of you are but about understanding your partner better. When you understand how your partner expresses love and deals with conflict, you can better meet their emotional needs and handle disagreements more constructively. This deepens your connection and helps build a stronger, more harmonious relationship. Knowing each other's love and fight languages is essential in a relationship.
Take the The Love Language Quiz.
Spirited Earthling is more than just a blog – it's a gathering place for kindred spirits drawn by an interest in self-discovery, the appeal of self-care, and a desire for a deeper connection to the world. Written and created for curious minds and spiritual hearts seeking meaning in everyday life, this blog aims to help you curate your wholesome personal growth with free weekly ideas and affordable resources for sale.
As you navigate your personal growth journey using the words and ideas shared here, consider sharing this blog with someone looking for inspiration or motivation on their own journey. We are all spirited earthlings, and can lift each other together with mindful, connected living.
Thank you for being part of this community.
Best wishes, warmest regards
Jordan
Connect with Spirited Earthling on your favourite social platforms and say hello 🌻
Join our Telegram group for a link to the new blog post of the week ♡
