Magic in Knowing Marriage is More Than a Wedding

Finding the beauty of marriage by knowing it is more than a wedding and what becoming a wife is like when marriage wasn’t seen as important.

Dear Spirited Earthling,

Marriage is more than a wedding and I feel like that’s often forgotten. I’m writing this as someone who didn’t have her dream wedding planned by the age of 12. I’m also writing this as someone who saw marriage as a piece of paper, a contract, and an unimportant part of life. And maybe unexpectedly, I’m writing this as someone who is happily married and I don’t regret being so.

I’ve never been sure how to write this post because I don’t want to take anything away from people who love and live for weddings. I’m writing this to the people who are on the fence about marriage, maybe questioning what it’s really about, and if it’s worth it. There's also a link at the end of this post to a post on how our ideas and expectations of marriage (and our partners) have changed over time.

Growing Up in a Single Mother-Headed Household

My mom raised me and my brother. I never felt like I lacked anything. My mom was everything and more to us.

My grandparents were like second parents to us. I also have quite a few aunts and uncles. So, I had examples of married couples in my life from when I was born. I attended catholic school but many of us weren’t catholic. Being raised by a single parent wasn’t abnormal. A good few of my friends lived in a typical nuclear family home (meaning both parents and their kids lived there). Another good few of them also lived in single-mother-headed households.

Growing up in a single-parent household, and seeing both/double-parent households, I never saw marriage as a necessary aspect of life. Catholicism promoted it and described it as a prerequisite for starting a family. But I knew differently. My family was a family and a title, a contract, or a societal expectation would never change that.

At university, more of us came from single-parent households than not. And something we all had in common (speaking mainly about the girls and me in my residence/dorm) was that we were quite fiercely independent, self-reliant, and resilient. We knew the importance of being able to do things for ourselves. When we did have partners, it was because we wanted to have one and not because we ever needed one.

Grateful for my family of 3: ‘The Three Musketeers’ (not us).

Marriage is Just a Piece of Paper

I used to say this quite often. Marriage was simply a legally binding contract between three people: you, your partner, and the government (okay, and your God if you’re so inclined).

I never saw marriage as a ‘level up’. I didn’t need a change of label or title to feel more important to someone, to feel my relationship was any more committed, or to be considered a family.

Despite how I felt about it, I understood why it was so important to other people. They needed all of what I just said I didn’t. They had to meet rules and standards set by their religions, cultures, and societies.

No in all seriousness, I did see the value of marriage and how important the step was for people. Maybe it was the influence of my school, but a marriage was sacred to those who chose it. It deserved respect and it deserved the effort. 

What Does Marriage Mean to You?

I’ve only ever had long term relationships. Partly because commitment and loyalty are important to me. And partly because I didn’t want to waste my time and energy with people who weren’t going to be in my life for the long term.

I met my now-husband while at university. The topic of marriage came up, not because we were thinking about it, but because we openly spoke about anything and everything from the beginning.

I spoke to one of my friends about the conversation. She asked me, “what does marriage mean to you?” I responded with, “Nothing, really.” And then she asked me, “what does marriage mean to him?” I responded with, “Everything.”

She knew my views on marriage and honestly, non-judgementally asked me, “If it doesn’t matter to you whether you’re married or not, but it means a lot to him, why wouldn’t you say yes?”

I was never dead-set against it. By marrying him, I didn’t even feel like I was compromising. I wasn’t giving up anything. This conversation and these questions have stayed with me, and almost in that single moment any blocks I had to it were gone.

Never lose sight of the small and seemingly insignificant moments together, for they make up your every day.

Marriage is More Than a Wedding

Somehow you get to an age when it seems like everyone and their sister is getting married. Facebook's algorithms make sure to show you people who are engaged and getting married, even though you haven’t seen them on your timeline in a good long while (read, probably years).

To be honest, I hated the show of it all. The comparison of diamond ring sizes was nauseating. The declarations of wishes that the rings should be the size of the sun were mystifying. The debt-inducing celebrations weren’t worth it to me. People came from far and wide to have only a simple ‘hello and congratulations’ conversation with the couple. The enthusiasm shown about a single day was too often higher than the delight of marrying ‘the love of their life’. I even heard the term post-wedding blues and was frankly confused.

There is so much emphasis placed on the wedding being perfect that I genuinely thought people were losing sight of what being married was supposed to be. I know right, the girl who saw marriage as a piece of paper was sitting judging people who saw marriage as a wedding. Ah, the nonsense of society and the warped standards and pressures at play.

I said, “Yes.”

Daniel proposed while on a hike and I said, “Yes.”

Also, to all of you who ask, ‘when’s the wedding?’ when the couple have been engaged for a whole minute can take several seats. Furthermore, you’re probably not going to be invited to the wedding, so let people enjoy their engagement before you’re ready to check off the next box on their list of life.

Alas, the topic of weddings was everywhere. Now that the time had come, did I want a wedding? Did I want what I had been judging for some time?

No. Even if I had Musk level money, I still wouldn’t choose to have a big wedding.

Okay, we would maybe spend money on a van like this!

Why We Chose to Have a Small Wedding

I guess it was in alignment with who Daniel and I are, and what we wanted for our relationship and our future – we chose to have a civil ceremony. There was history, love, and us. There was no show, no huge expense, and no drama.

Who are we as individuals and as a couple? We’re the people who are completely okay when plans are cancelled, and we can stay home. We said happy anniversary to each other after we were congratulated by someone else. We’re the people who can do our own thing when the other is doing theirs. And we prioritise our relationship every day.

So, when friends of ours told us about people they knew who had multiple mini celebrations, with the road trip being their honeymoon, we were sold on this idea. Marriage is more than a wedding. It's more than a single day. The size and style of a wedding is irrelevant.

Our Intimate Wedding Celebrations

1. We married in Germany in a civil ceremony. My dress was Daniel’s gran's wedding dress. Afterwards, we had a family meal in the Bavarian hills.

2. We celebrated in a small beach town in South Africa. Together with close friends, we feasted and chatted and were merry.

3. We also celebrated in my home city with family. It was laid-back, fun, and memorable.  

Having different charming ceremonies with people we love so dearly was everything and more for us. It gave us a chance to really connect with people. We felt loved and special. And we didn’t feel like we lost out on anything.

There can be big love in small moments.

What Does Marriage Mean to Me?

Marriage is more than a piece of paper. Marriage is more than a wedding if you choose to make it so. Being a wife is more than a change in title.

Our relationship changed, and I wish I knew why or could explain it to you. I love being a wife. I happily choose to love Daniel every day, choose to be with him and work through things, choose to plan my future and ours together.

If you’re on the fence about marriage, get off it. If one of you wants it and the other is indifferent - do it.

I am complete on my own. But he encourages my growth.

I can live without him. But I’m grateful I don’t have to.

I love my life as a wife. And I love my husband and marriage.  

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Read where we are now: 10 Lessons For These Great 10 Years Together

Spirited Earthling is more than just a blog – it's a gathering place for kindred spirits drawn by an interest in self-discovery, the appeal of self-care, and a desire for a deeper connection to the world. Written and created for curious minds and spiritual hearts seeking meaning in everyday life, this blog aims to help you curate your wholesome personal growth with free weekly ideas and affordable resources for sale.

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Best wishes, warmest regards

Jordan

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