A decade of togetherness is a significant milestone in any relationship. Naturally, celebrating 10 years with my partner has me all nostalgic, reflective, and feeling deeply grateful. We met at university when I was 20 years old, and I can’t imagine a life without him by my side.

“Marriage is a mosaic you build with your spouse. Millions of tiny moments that create your love story.” ~ Jennifer Smith

10 Lessons for the 10 Years Together

This is what I’ve learned in the 10 years of being together (these lessons are in no particular order):

Having a Genuine Friendship is an Advantage

Fundamentally, friendships are based on trust, mutual support, mutual respect, and an emotional connection – all of which contribute to a healthy and lasting relationship. Having a genuine friendship is an advantage because companionship is an integral part of a lasting romantic relationship.

In most partnerships, you will spend every day together. They are who you start and end your days with. So, you need to genuinely like this person and consider them a friend. You should want to spend time together, feel comfortable having them in your space, and want to create new memories together.

Daniel and I met 2 years before we started dating and became fast friends. I think our souls have known each other for a long time because the level of comfort and trust we shared was practically immediate. We have shared interests, hobbies, and hopes for the future. For a year we swam together every morning, spent time doing fieldwork, and partied together.

Since then, there is no one else we would rather spend every day with. We have supported each other through really difficult times when friendship was needed more than romance. We thrive with a companionship that is easy, comforting, and honest. There is a deep respect, trust and emotional connection from our friendship that supports our romantic relationship. He’s my best friend and I will never undervalue that.

"We're friends, too. We love each other, but we actually like each other—and that's an important distinction there. Love is passion and all of that stuff, but actually liking somebody and enjoying someone's company is something slightly different, and it lasts longer. So you can have both, and I think that's important. Be married to your best friend." ~ Sting

Know Your and Their Love and Fight Languages

Knowing how your partner prefers to receive love allows you to love them in this way. They feel loved, understood, and connected. They can show you love in the language that means the most to you so you can feel the same. Your love languages may be different and you may be ineffectively trying to show them love. Similarly, knowing how your partner acts while fighting can help you disagree in healthy ways. Knowing if one of you needs space first while the other wants acknowledgement of their feelings can keep conflicts respectful and more easily resolvable.

"He does tell me every single day of my life I'm beautiful, and I do know a lot of women live without that. And it does matter, someone just telling you that." ~ Mary Steenburgen

Daniel and I have similar love languages but different fight languages. We both value quality time so date nights, movie nights at home, and travelling together work well for us. It is easy for us to choose experiences together over material gifts. While I need space and time alone to process my thoughts and emotions during arguments, Daniel prefers a more direct and immediate talk about the situation. He learned to give me space to have a more constructive conversation with me and I learned how to communicate better when I need space and where I may be mentally on the situation.

“A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.” ~ Dave Meurer

10 years together spirited earthling blog

Communicate Openly and Compromise Willingly

Honest and consistent communication builds trust, reliability, understanding, and connection in any relationship, and is needed for a lasting romantic relationship. Both partners feel respected, heard, and understood. There is emotional connection and intimacy when sharing vulnerabilities, fears, hopes and dreams. Communicating also strengthens the friendship within the partnership. Furthermore, open communication lessens misunderstandings and helps constructively resolve conflicts.

Compromise involves finding the middle ground that meets the needs and wants of both partners and typically requires concessions and sacrifices to be made. The willingness to compromise speaks to the mindset that partners should have. A lasting relationship sees both partners being willing to compromise and actually compromising for each other. It should never be one partner always willing and compromising and the one partner not.

"I have someone who I can talk to about anything and someone who I care more about than I’ve cared about anybody.” ~ George Clooney

As friends, Daniel and I shared openly and honestly so our communication skills were already quite strong when we started dating. What we did realise is that we have different communication styles, opposites in fact. Daniel is very much a verbal processor, so he is comfortable discussing his ideas, thoughts, and feelings. On the other hand, I am in an internal processor. I process internally before discussing anything and will often write or brainstorm ideas on paper before sharing verbally. I soon realised that he often isn’t looking for advice or help, but is simply organising his thoughts aloud and wants a sounding board. He learned quickly that pushing me to talk about what’s on my mind makes me clam-up more, and he needs to be patient and let me share when I'm ready. He was attentive and realised I open up in certain environments more than others. So, when he sees I’m struggling with something he often suggests we go for a walk or go for a coffee date (when his curiosity gets the best of him). Perhaps because we share similar values and a vision for our future, we both willingly compromise when we need to. And making decisions together, with the other in mind, is our default. In no way do we ask for permission, instead it is a common courtesy and shows respect.

“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.” ~ Roy Croft

Be Each Other’s Cheerleader

Your partner is a major influence on who you become and what your life can look like. Being with someone who supports, encourages, and inspires you will see you achieve personal, professional, and relationship goals more easily. Being supported and supportive builds confidence in yourself and your relationship. Celebrating each other’s successes brings shared happiness, a sense of accomplishment, pride, and optimism. Being each other's cheerleader plays an essential role in building a positive, healthy, and lasting relationship.

Daniel is the first person I want to share with when something great happens and is the person I turn to first when my self-doubt becomes overwhelming. Often a million things are going through my mind and he helps me find the clarity and focus I need. In turn, I love supporting and watching him thrive. I encourage him to go for things he may not otherwise do, and remind him of his worth when he needs it. In many ways, we are a team and when one of us succeeds so does the other. He’s the one who grounds me and I’m the one who helps him fly.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ~ Lao Tzu

Learn and Grow Individually and Together

You are your own person even while in a relationship. Personal growth is essential to a happy and fulfilling life. As you become a better you, you will also become a better partner. You can better understand yourself, improve your communication, and find purpose in pursuing goals. Finding fulfilment outside of your relationship is good because your relationship should not be everything for you at once. Seeing your partner investing in their personal growth can inspire you to do the same, and vice versa.

Daniel and I have a lot of shared interests and many different interests. For example, personal finance is a topic that Daniel explores willingly and finds beneficial practices that he can adopt for himself, and for us so that our household finances are protected and grow. While it is not my favourite topic to discuss, I listen and learn from him, so our financial goals are aligned. I am very interested in self-development and spirituality so will willingly read about healthy habits, wholesome food practices, and spiritual practices that benefit me and us. This is not something he would necessarily actively research himself, but he listens and learns from me.

Note: People are capable of change. Firstly, it is not okay to say this is how you met you because you actively choosing to limit your personal growth. Secondly, it is not okay to be with someone to change them, expect them to change, or enforce your believed changes on them. Thirdly, it is not okay to expect your partner to never change and always be the same version of themselves.

“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

Be Intimate in All Ways

Being intimate with your partner connects you emotionally, physically, and psychologically. Sexual intimacy is what makes your relationship a romantic one and is an obvious and needed type of intimacy. Other types include emotional intimacy (being vulnerable and validated and feeling understood), intellectual intimacy (stimulating and engaging conversations, appreciating and respecting each other’s perspectives and thoughts), spiritual intimacy (practising rituals and traditions related to beliefs, supporting each other on your journeys), recreational intimacy (sharing hobbies and sports that bring a shared sense of fun and companionship), and time intimacy (date nights, shared experiences, and being present while together).

For us, being intimate in all ways has helped us stay together. I am attracted to Daniel’s physical appearance, his mind, and his emotional understanding. I love his blue eyes that can be as calming as the summer sky and as wild as a burning blue flame; his arms that make me feel both safe and strong at the same time; the messages he sends with things I will like or something I need to hear; when he shares something he’s learned that he thinks will interest me; the excitement in his voice when he talks about his interests and shares good news. I greatly value his opinions and perspectives, always treasure our pillow talks before bed and cuddles before getting up, and the comfortable silences we share. There's no one I would rather travel with, experience life with, argue with, walk across countries with, and share my home with.

I don't want to be married just to be married. I can't think of anything lonelier than spending the rest of my life with someone I can't talk to, or worse, someone I can't be silent with.” ~ Mary Ann Shaffer

Choose to Love Them Every Day

Choosing your relationship and partner daily is a well-established idea that I agree with completely (so much so that I have a blog post dedicated to it). There will be days when doing this is an almost unconscious choice – it is easy, natural, and didn’t occur for you not to. And then there will be days that require a more conscious choice - when things aren’t so easy, and love isn’t the overriding feeling when you look at them. Choosing to love them every day can look like sharing compliments, doing things to make things easier for them, expressing your love and appreciation, actively listening and being present when together, compromising, and saying no to other things to keep promises made to your partner. It’s choosing to stay, to work things out, to find each other again, to make them a cup of tea when you're not talking to each other, and still reminding them of something when you are annoyed with them.

I feel lucky and blessed that choosing each other and prioritising our relationship has come easily to us over the last 10 years. Keeping promises and showing up every day for ourselves and each other is important and valued by both of us. I am so grateful to have a partner who still puts in effort to connect daily, continues to be romantic, and grows our relationship always.

Note: There are rough patches in any relationship, but toxicity is never tolerable and should not be chosen.

“So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday.” ~ Nicholas Sparks

Don’t Keep Score

Keeping score of the little things can lead to resentment and unending frustration. Try not to keep track of who did what, when, and why. By not keeping score you bring a more collaborative and forgiving energy to your interpersonal dynamics. Teamwork makes the relationship dream work so each of you must be putting in effort and choosing the relationship daily. Communicate your needs, feelings, and expectations and listen to your partners. Give and do because you want to and not because you expect something in return. If you are living in the house and are doing 10 % of the household chores – step up because your partner is not your servant or maid.

There are certain things that Daniel does and others that I primarily do in the household. However, Daniel can slack helping around the house. I communicate that I need him to help more, and he will do it, but in two weeks I have to remind him again. This is our only sore point, and I know that there is never malicious intent in his actions, but it can be annoying. When it comes down to it, he is attentive, supportive, loving, and does show up for us.

Read: Creating a Family Gap Plan Inspired by Brené Brown

"In marriage, each partner is to be an encourager rather than a critic, a forgiver rather than a collector of hurts, and enabler rather than a reformer." ~ H. Norman Wright

Show Appreciation and Gratitude for Them

Your emotional bond strengthens when you show your appreciation and gratitude for your partner (for what they do or simply who they are). As you demonstrate appreciation for something, your partner is more likely to continue doing it because your positivity and recognition encourage their behaviour. In turn, you may decide to do things for them to reciprocate, creating a positive action loop in your relationship. Your partner will feel seen by you when you acknowledge their efforts and sacrifices. Being more aware of these gratitudes (big and small) you are less likely to take them for granted.

When Daniel comes home stressed from work, I say thank you for all he is doing for our family. When he wipes down the counters and packs the dishwasher, I say thank you. There may be nothing grand and often should be the actions in a partnership, but I appreciate his choices to continue putting effort into our relationship and household. He does the same for me, no matter how big or small what I do or say.

“A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.” ~ Unknown

Say I Love You

No matter how long you have been together, don’t stop saying I love you. You’re showing them you're thinking of them, grateful for them, and connecting with them. It is a beautiful and meaningful act that is simple and easy to day.

We say I love you every night before bed, when one of us leaves the house without the other, after arguments, to show appreciation for something the other has done, and randomly during the day. Not a day goes by when we haven’t said I love you at least twice (and ‘words of affirmation’ is one of our lower-ranking love languages).

"A simple 'I love you' means more than money." ~ Frank Sinatra

I’m lucky to have found my soulmate while young and I often pray more people get to experience what we have. I’m grateful for these 10 years and know that the next 10 are going to be even more marvellous, wholesome, and loving.

What are some of your favourite relationship lessons or reminders?

10 Lessons For These Great 10 Years Together