Why and How to Establish Healthy Personal Boundaries
Understand what boundaries are, why you need them, and how to establish healthy personal boundaries.
Dear Spirited Earthling,
Healthy personal boundaries are essential to maintaining positive relationships and protecting your own well-being. Boundaries are the limits you set for yourself in how you allow others to treat you, what you are willing to do for others, and what you expect from others in return. Boundaries are not about building walls or shutting people out. They are about creating a healthy space for yourself and others to thrive in.
What are Personal Boundaries?
Personal boundaries need to be clear, but understanding what healthy personal boundaries seems unclear. So, what are personal boundaries?
Boundaries are guidelines that you set for yourself. Your boundaries are saying this is me and this is what I need.
Boundaries are ways to honour yourself. Your boundaries show others how you expect to be treated because you’re showing what will be tolerated and what won’t be.
Boundaries are the point at which you stop, and the other begins.
There are different types of personal boundaries. You can have personal boundaries around:
Personal space (physical boundaries)
Your thoughts and feelings (mental or emotional boundaries)
What you are comfortable doing in intimate settings (sexual boundaries)
Your beliefs (religious or spiritual boundaries)
Your availability (time boundaries)
People and things that drain you (energy)
Why Establish Healthy Personal Boundaries?
Having healthy personal boundaries benefits you and your relationships because boundaries:
Are a form of self-care, self-respect, and self-governance,
Help maintain strong relationships,
Encourage open communication,
Protect personal well-being and time,
Help avoid feelings of anxiety, disrespect, and being taken advantage of.
Understanding Personal Boundaries with Examples
Firstly, boundaries need to be communicated. Secondly, boundaries need to be asserted. Thirdly, boundaries need to be maintained.
Why is it important to communicate boundaries? People will be able to act accordingly and understand your feelings and actions in response to things. It is also wasted energy to feel resentment because your boundaries are continually pushed or ignored when the other person is unaware of your boundaries.
Why is it important to assert boundaries? When people are used to taking advantage of you because you had no boundaries, they will push against your boundaries.
Why is it important to maintain boundaries? People need time to adjust. By maintaining your boundaries, you are creating a new normal for interactions with you. People may assume that you will give in and revert to a time when you allowed them to take advantage.
Boundaries are the points at which you stop, and the other begins. You can only control the boundary point that protects you. You cannot control what happens on the other side of the boundary, i.e., how the other person reacts and feels.
Boundaries are not expecting people to conform to your standards of being or living. Boundaries are accepting that people can do and say this. So, you can do and say that in response, and be accepted too.
You do not need to debate, defend, or over explain your boundaries. ‘No’ is a complete sentence. People don’t have to agree with or understand your boundary, they simply need to respect it.
Understanding Boundaries Explanation 1
Person A sets a boundary.
Person B can either (1) respect Person A and not cross the set boundary, or (2) find the boundary unreasonable and choose to not have a relationship with Person A.
Person A needs to be firm on the set boundary, in case Person B crosses it (intentionally or unintentionally).
Person B cannot insist on a relationship with Person A while hurting them and making them feel uncomfortable by continually crossing their boundary.
Understanding Boundaries Explanation 2
A shop owner decides which items to sell and at what price (set boundaries).
A customer chooses whether (1) to buy items available at the price shown, or (2) to shop somewhere else.
How the customer feels about the item selection and prices is not the shop owner’s concern. The customer can try to barter with the shop owner and negotiate prices, but the shop owner reserves the right to set the price. The customer can insist on discounts they previously received, but the shop owner can say, “no, those discounts are no longer available.”
Should the customer choose to cross the boundary and steal items, the shop owner can respond with a consequence – calling the police, or banning the customer from the shop.
When the shop owner has low sales because the prices are too high, the rights of the shop owner to decide which items to sell and at what price remain the same.
When there are customers who choose to buy the available items at the set price, then the disgruntled customer should shop somewhere else. The shop owner can continue their relationships with happy customers.
How to Establish Healthy Personal Boundaries, using Examples
Setting a personal boundary around your availability or time:
Boundary communicated: I am disconnecting from my phone at 9 pm every night. I will not answer texts or be on social media.
Boundary asserted: You put your phone on Do Not Disturb mode or switch it off.
Boundary maintained: You continue to do this regardless of people’s reactions to it.
There may be people who are annoyed that you are unavailable. People can call you selfish and a bad friend. Their reaction is their concern.
Boundary communicated: I leave work at 5 pm and will not participate in work-related practices after.
Boundary asserted: You do not engage in work talk. You do not respond to emails outside work hours.
Boundary maintained: You continue responding to work emails during work time (when you are being paid to do it). You continue to disengage from work talk in social settings (people can make appointments for advice during work time).
Your boss can be annoyed that you are unavailable when you are not at work. People can be annoyed that you won’t give them free legal or medical advice. Their reaction is their concern.
Boundary communicated: I am leaving the house at 7 pm. If you aren’t here at 7 pm, the door will not be open for you and I will not be there.
Boundary asserted: You leave the house at 7 pm.
Boundary maintained: You continue leaving at 7 pm even if the person is angry and tries to pressure you to change.
Your friend can arrive after 7 pm. Your friend can also be angry that you left and that the door was locked. Their reaction is their concern.
Setting a personal boundary around your thoughts and beliefs:
Boundary communicated: I choose to stay away from conversations that belittle people based on their race. I will change the subject or leave the room/put down the phone.
Boundary asserted: You leave the room/put down the phone.
Boundary maintained: You always leave the room/put down the phone when racist comments are made.
People can continue to make derogatory comments. People can get angry and try to mock you for not taking a joke or being too sensitive. Their reaction is their concern.
Setting a personal boundary around people and things that drain you:
Boundary communicated: I cannot keep talking about this topic with you because I have said everything I can. I will change the subject or leave the room/put down the phone.
Boundary asserted: You leave the room/put down the phone.
Boundary maintained: You always leave the room/put down the phone when this topic is brought up.
People can continue to make derogatory comments. People can get angry and call you a bad friend. Their reaction is their concern.
What are Examples of Boundary Setting Phrases?
No.
I am not ready to talk about it yet.
I will take time to think about this and get back to you.
Please respect my boundary. I have said, no. I shouldn’t need to say it more than once.
I’m not comfortable with [behaviour]. When that happens, I will [behaviour].
I’m not comfortable with [behaviour], so I am protecting myself from it / not exposing myself it.
Going forward, I am not comfortable having a conversation about [topic]. You will need to discuss that with someone else.
If you continue to [action], I will leave or ask you to leave.
I understand you are struggling, but I can no longer be your sounding board.
I set boundaries not to offend you but to respect myself.
I have a rule of not making snap decisions.
Things to Remember about Boundaries
Boundaries are ever-evolving commitments to yourself.
Boundaries are about respect for yourself, not about their respect for you.
Boundaries are about controlling yourself (self-governance), not trying to control others.
A person’s reaction to your boundary is about them and their journey. They are responsible for their reactions.
You are not responsible for how others react to your boundary.
Communicating, asserting, and maintaining boundaries can be extremely difficult. It is a skill that is developed, so keep practising until it’s natural to you. Maintaining personal boundaries complements other self-care practices for mindful social interactions. Stand in your personal power, communicate your needs, and have the courage to walk away from people and situations that want you to be boundary-less.
Spirited Earthling is more than just a blog – it's a gathering place for kindred spirits drawn by an interest in self-discovery, the appeal of self-care, and a desire for a deeper connection to the world. Written and created for curious minds and spiritual hearts seeking meaning in everyday life, this blog aims to help you curate your wholesome personal growth with free weekly ideas and affordable resources for sale.
As you navigate your personal growth journey using the words and ideas shared here, consider sharing this blog with someone looking for inspiration or motivation on their own journey. We are all spirited earthlings, and can lift each other together with mindful, connected living.
Thank you for being part of this community.
Best wishes, warmest regards
Jordan
Affirmation: I choose to honour myself in all situations.
Journal Prompts: Which areas of my life have healthy boundaries? Which areas of my life need healthier boundaries?
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