How Ideas and Expectations of Marriage Have Changed Over Time
A timeline of how the idea of marriage and the expectations of a marriage have changed over time, and what marriage means to us.
Dear Spirited Earthling,
The ideas and expectations of marriage have changed over time to reflect the changing attitudes and values of society. While the institution of marriage remains an important part of many people's lives, the ways in which people approach and understand it has evolved significantly.
Marriage can be a hot topic, a point of contention, an aspiration, or a definite no. Marriage was and continues to be a contractual agreement between two people (and God or the government, or both, depending on your beliefs). The thing that has changed is the idea of and behind marriage – the meaning of marriage and what it provides you.
The Idea of Economic Security (and Gain) in Marriage
In the beginning, marriage had less to do with love and attraction, and more to do with economic benefits and power relations gained through the union.
Imagine this:
You’re the child of a baker, who is from a long line of bakers. The time has come for you to marry, and guess who your family wants you to marry – another baker’s child. This way, your family trade stays alive and you will always have a source of income.
Or this:
You’re the child of Nobleman. Your family lineage is one of nobility. The time has come for you to marry, and you have a list of eligible aristocrats who are equally as wealthy as your family or more so. This way, you maintain your station in society or climb higher.
The expectations of the marriage were quite clear. The union was for financial security and gain – meaning no other needs and wants were expected to be met.
Looking at today’s world, marrying for money is still a thing. And marrying within your social class or higher is still a thing too. Do you think general societal expectations of marriage have changed?
The Idea of Love in Marriage
Marriage became less about economic security and gain, and more about love and attraction. Think Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice.
“In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.” ~ Mr Darcy. Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
Mr Darcy marries Elizabeth Bennet and Charles Bingley marries Jane Bennet – neither of the unions were an economically beneficial match for the men. The idea from a book (and many to come) becoming mainstream foreshadowed the influence pop culture and media would have on our ideas and expectations of marriage.
With the change in the idea or meaning of marriage, came a change of expectations. The expectations of marriage now became one of loving and being loved (with potential economic benefits).
The Idea of Opposites Attract in Marriage
If you think about marriage in the beginning, besides the financial benefits, the unions were based on similar backgrounds and social classes. Then marrying for love meant backgrounds and social classes played second fiddle to feelings. And from this, stemmed the idea of opposites attract. An idea of loving someone who was different from you.
Think Disney and blockbusters: Beauty and the Beast, Titanic, The Little Mermaid, A Walk to Remember, Aladdin, Grease, Cinderella.
Pop culture normalised drastic class differences coming together: wealthy and not, royalty and commoner. It's also the stories of the rebel and the sweetheart, the jock and the nerd, the square peg and the free spirit.
The expectations of marriage became based on what was expected of love: Love knows no boundaries and anything can be overcome.
The idea of opposites attracting is well known and the phrase is still in use today. Look at the couples in your life and count how many are opposites coming together?
Ultimately, these relationships work when the opposite characteristics that were attractive in the beginning, stay attractive and no changes to your partner are wanted. Because reality shows the next idea is more popular.
“The reason as to why we are attracted to our opposites is because they are our salvation from the burden of being ourselves.” ~ Kamand Kojouri
The Idea of Common Beliefs in Marriage
Marriage moved away from opposites attracting (or at least the hype around it) and again saw value in having a marriage based on similarities. Don’t worry, as the baker's child you won’t have to go back to marry another baker’s child.
Think again about the couples you know. How many of them are together because of: religious and cultural grounds, political views, educational background, and even career goals.
So what does this idea mean for our expectations of marriage? Marriage is expected to last when it has a foundation of common beliefs and values.
“Shared beliefs and values form the heart of every successful relationship and ultimately determine its success.” ~ Frank Sonnenberg, BookSmart: Hundreds of real-world lessons for success and happiness
The Idea of Completing Someone in Marriage
Marriage became less about complementing someone else and more about completing them.Think Jerry Maguire.
“I love you. You complete me.” ~ Jerry Maguire
This idea has proved to be one of the most destructive to marriages because expectations became unrealistic.
It places pressure on your partner to solely fulfil all your wants and needs (something that took your parents, siblings, and five friends to do). This idea also makes you assume you aren't whole or enough on your own and that you need someone else to fill in the missing piece. It almost creates a dependency on the person and marriage to fulfil a role that they can't (and shouldn't have to).
The Idea of Personal Fulfilment in Marriage
This idea is closely linked to the idea of completeness. Marriage became a tool or stepping stone to personal fulfilment / self-actualistion / self-esteem.
So what happens when you no longer feel fulfilled or stagnant? Your relationship suffers. Think Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love:
"Hadn't I wanted this? I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life. So why didn't I see myself in any of it? The only thing more impossible than staying... was leaving. I didn't want to hurt anybody, I wanted to slip quietly out the back door and not stop running until I reached Greenland." ~ Elizabeth Gilbert
Should Liz have stayed? Should she have endured a dull or unsatisfied life for another few decades? No, I don’t think so. I believe in romanticizing your life, but not settling for less than you can create and are worthy of.
She went off on an adventure and learned more about who she is and what she wants (for herself and her life). Ultimately, you cannot expect marriage to sustain your feelings of self-fulfilment long term. You need to find that on your own and create that for yourself.
“There were two ways to be happy: improve your reality, or lower your expectations” ~ Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes
A Summary of Ideas
From a financial base to one of love, marriage has come a long way. Marriage is seemingly becoming harder because we are looking to our partners to complete us and fulfil us.
Marriage may be a part of your life, it may influence how you behave and what you believe, but it's not a defining quality.
You need to know that you are enough on your own. Your partner can complement you, inspire you, and help you thrive. But you need to be happy alone, feel whole alone, and thrive alone.
Check-in with yourself. Lay out what your expectations are. Are they realistic? Don’t lower your standards (you should be treated well, you are worthy of love, happiness is needed) but check your expectations.
Marriage isn’t for everyone and it shouldn’t be someone's everything either. But marriage is beautiful when you make it so.
“So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday.” ~ Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook
Take time today to show love and appreciation to your partner. Remember that marriage is more than a wedding and there is life after it - the credits don’t roll after like they do in the movies. There may even be a need for a family gap plan.
Spirited Earthling is more than just a blog – it's a gathering place for kindred spirits drawn by an interest in self-discovery, the appeal of self-care, and a desire for a deeper connection to the world. Written and created for curious minds and spiritual hearts seeking meaning in everyday life, this blog aims to help you curate your wholesome personal growth with free weekly ideas and affordable resources for sale.
As you navigate your personal growth journey using the words and ideas shared here, consider sharing this blog with someone looking for inspiration or motivation on their own journey. We are all spirited earthlings, and can lift each other together with mindful, connected living.
Thank you for being part of this community.
Best wishes, warmest regards
Jordan
Listen to the Hidden Brain Podcast episode that discusses these ideas here.
Affirmation: All I need is within me.
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