How I traded screen-time numbness for creativity and intention (plus the songs, books, and messy steps that guided me home to myself).

This post is deeply personal, but I’m sharing it in the hopes that it might resonate with someone who’s on a similar journey. If you’re feeling stuck or unsure, know that you’re not alone.

once upon a time... typed on a typewriter

Where I was

A couple of weeks ago, I quit playing a mobile game that I spent a lot of time on. I was a part of an alliance that was fun and friendly, in large part that’s what kept me playing the game. I spend a lot of time alone and talking with these strangers was comforting, filled my time, and helped me escape the silence to some degree. But the time I spent on it only seemed to increase. I am usually quite good at boundaries – with people, with my screen time – but it felt like they were blurring. I was present in real life, but not really. My thoughts were here, there, and everywhere.

We went away, and I bought an eSim so that I would still be reachable, not relying on Wi-Fi (but I was also relieved I would still be able to play and chat… on holiday. You know, the time you’re supposed to disconnect from tech and reconnect with those you're with). After a few days of being back, my thoughts and emotions were all over the place. Trying to de-stress and ground myself, I had a bath. And one of the first things I thought to do was quit the game.

Now look, it wasn’t so much the game itself, but the distraction and escape it became. My screen time hours were stupidly high. I was feeling more and more unsettled. It’s also true that the long, cold, dark winter months of Europe are not good for me (despite my SAD lamp and vitamin D tablets). Maybe it was the week of sorely missed African sunshine, or maybe my spirit was simply tired of the months of hiding from life, that sparked the thoughts to engage with life again. No matter the reason, I decided to delete the game. It was truly quite sad for me (maybe pitiful to you) and my eyes filled with tears saying goodbye to people I didn’t actually know, almost all of whom I didn’t know their real names, but they were my daily companions for the past 2 months. They asked me to stay and think about it for a few days. But if I did that, I knew my resolve would likely dissolve. Someone messaged saying they wished I could see the nice things they were saying about me once I had left the alliance and was no longer part of the chat. And I inappropriately overshared some of my emotional turmoil to try and justify my leaving (hello fear of letting people down instead of pleasing them) – it was regretful, uncomfortable, and a wake-up call to sort myself out – into who or what, I wasn’t sure. It wasn’t so much what I shared, but that I shared it with a stranger who didn’t actually ask to know.

Where I am

While listening to a podcast, the therapist said, “The opposite of depression isn’t happiness, it’s purpose.” I know depression, from a far and up close. I wasn’t depressed, but I recognised I had tendencies. That same day my TikTok algorithm brought Yoshi 2.0 into my life with the song I do it anyway (TikTok, Instagram, Spotify). I immediately sent it to my brother and said this was our new anthem. It’s a song that imprinted immediately, and since seeing it the first time I haven’t skipped it. So, by the end of that week, I had my reset plan. Since then, I have created some sort of purpose every day. And even when I’m tired or don’t feel like it, I do it anyway. I have:

moved my body daily in some way
meditated almost every day
kept the flat clean and organised
eaten better and more nourishingly
found random skills to (re)learn - reminded myself on how to change a tyre, practiced ways to shuffle cards, thinking about getting a guitar
started learning South African Sign Language on YouTube
read a couple of books that inspired me, reignited my creativity and got me thinking of my own writings and where I could go with them
done a few free courses on Udemy

Then while on a TikTok scroll (and hearing Doechii’s Anxiety in every third video) the algorithm brought something new to me: Doechii as a creator. I found out she shared her creativity recovery journey on YouTube while reading The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron.

I started watching the series and by golly, it was everything I needed to hear. I resonated so deeply with her journey. Then I listened to her interview with Rolling Stone, and again she shared sentiments that seemingly settled my subconscious unsettlements. I opened Spotify and absent-mindedly put on a random playlist while thinking about my own creative journey. Taylor’s the last great american dynasty started playing. Folklore is the only TS album I have listened to fully, and this is one of my favourite songs. I love the storytelling. And there it was. A knowing that I am creative, and that I can also denounce ‘the formula’ and go with what feels right.

In the Rolling Stone interview, Doechii shares the formulas people follow for TikTok or radio play success. And how she ignored the formulas and pursued creative freedom, for herself and for those who would appreciate it – not for global acclaim. She wrote a 2x-grammy-nominated and 1x-grammy-winning album in 30 days.

My Online Presence

I haven’t really known how to show up on platforms like Instagram and TikTok. I feel like there is so much inauthentic curation to appear authentic and vulnerable that I have been completely put off it. My algorithms are either animal or artist filled (rather than influencer filled) – I discover and follow new musicians, watch creatives draw and paint, learn and admire photographers, laugh and cry with cartoonists… And it is only through writing this that I realise creativity is what I was seeking.

I have looked to connect with people in different ways. At school and university, it seemed easier because there was forced social interaction in classes, but I also spent a lot of time in volunteering. Though I have never been the smartest, my thirst for knowledge is never quenched, and I looked to this as a way to connect. I start blogs on environmentalism, thought of having one for anonymous writing musings, shared travel experiences on Timeless Voyagers, and then created Spirited Earthling.

Growing up I was self-conscious but never dreaded how I looked in photographs. Then our phones became smarter, and cameras were carried in our pockets. I was confronted with the realisation of not being photogenic. But still, how much worth was there in a photo anyway? While in university, someone said that I look better in person and a friend of mine looks better in photographs. Twisted backhanded compliments, if there even is one in there? And since then, the emphasis on digital presence has only increased and the ‘worth’ of photos quite literally became digital currency, so I have never felt ‘pretty’ enough to really put myself out there.

Honestly, I despise the niche-down / pick a lane / choose a focus emphasis to be successful online. I’m let by curiosity and not by one sole passion. I think about all the formulas to follow for social media/influencer success - and I know digital presence is important for any kind of business success, but it makes me want to throw my phone against a wall. But listening to Doechii talking, my spirit’s calls for change, and this glorious spring equinox calling for balance as the season of new beginnings start… I realise how tired I am of being afraid and frustrated and just not trying.

So, here I sit typing on my laptop, with my Kindle copy of The Artist’s Way, my self-worth just slightly off the floor, my doubtful mind telling me not to, my sensitive heart cautiously optimistic, and my spirit screaming do it!

This is me finding my way. I know it will be messy, emotional, but oh so freeing. This is me coming home to myself and source. I’m walking with my intuition and blind faith to guide me.

This is me: Writer. Creator. Ordinary human.

I’m sharing this for me. I don’t know where this journey will take me. I can’t promise anything I share will help you. But if this blog is a lighthouse, and my words are the light that have got your attention – there will always be warmth here for the tired and wary, and encouragement for those looking for a dose of inspiration.

This post is published a few weeks late because I didn’t want to share my journey as it was happening but sit with it – feelings only my feelings and not being influenced by anyone or anything else. Currently, I am on Week 4 of The Artist’s Way.